When the going gets tough...

When the going gets tough, the tough get going... This phrase came to mind this eve on yet another brink of disaster, aka tantrum explosion, followed by the complete realization that I have absolutely no control over my son.  As I again sat and cried the tantrum away, I could think of nothing but how much more, how MUCH WORSE, does it have to get before I am no longer able to do it; before I reach my breaking point; before I just totally give up; when does it get better?  I found that the phrase could have two meanings (thanks to google). The first is "When the situation becomes difficult, the strong will work harder to meet the challenge."  Taken another way the phrase could mean, "Those who act tough and proud will vacate a situation when it becomes difficult lest they be proven not as tough as they appear to be."  I find myself torn but yet smack dab in the middle of working harder while still looking for that escape to run as far from the situation that I could run, as fast as I could run it.  Instead I cry and I cry, hoping my tears will wash the autism away, begging God to "fix" my son, imagining a life without autism, without the chaos, without the pain of lost dreams.  As Talon comes off his rage, I visualize the life I wish we had... going to a restaurant to "dine-in", watching the new children's film in theater, or even simpler, being able to board the school bus "normally".  Even the "easy stuff" is becoming total chaos.  Talon no longer sits in a car seat or even a seat in the car for that matter, making it even more of an impossibility to travel.  Oh sure he gets in the car but I wont begin to reveal his location.  So as if that isn't traumatic enough, once we arrive home (because any other locale would be a no-go) he will no longer allow me to assist him into the house.  I then spend the next 20 to 30 minutes either fighting him into the door or using some sort of coercion to get him to walk in willingly.  I'm just so tired of the battle.  Its a constant daily battle from the time he wakes up and refuses to walk out the door to refusing to board the bus until evening comes and we battle again over the craziest little things.  I've had a few people tell me that age 4 was a terrible year due to several transitions and growth, etc. but what is the mother suppose to do?  Nothing will stop Talon when he has his mind set on something... No punishment or discipline changes his behavior.  I guess I just keep waiting and hoping and praying things will change quickly... please God, let them change quickly.  {Sorry this post was more of a "vent session" but when you have no other outlet, you have to use what ya got.}