Well today is Easter, or was, as its almost over. It has always been a day I looked forward to and enjoyed, not only to give our Savior the much recognition He deserves, but to do it all with loved ones. I love getting my kids and myself dressed in matching outfits to go to church, decorating their baskets, taking pictures, and just loving my family. That was until Autism stepped in and reared it's ugly face at every family function or social event. I know my blogging is sporadic and even I don't know when I'll update. Its usually brought about by news, excitement, or as it seems most, anger. I never try to hide my emotions about the subject... I HATE Autism. I hate the hold it has on my baby, I hate the restrictions it places on him, I hate to hear the very word spoken out loud. My hate for it never leaves my mind or body and today we went head on, face to face, tear for tear, as I fought to keep Talon from hurting himself during one of his recent "rages".
These rages (so far) appear to have no trigger. It begins like a raging wind at the start of a bad storm and before you know it, you are spiraling in the death of the tornado with everything in site being destroyed. I could never express in words how it feels as a mother to have your child physically attack you while you guard his every movement to keep him from hurting himself. I'm sure you ask how much harm could a 3 (4 next month) year old do to an adult 4x his size, but only the people who experience the rage truly know its power. My mom could speak volumes about the rage that resulted in him head butting her and knocking out 2 of her front teeth. By the time the rage is over, I am so physically and emotionally exhausted that I can only sit down and cry myself to a better calm. This is my overall demeanor tonight as I was never more thankful that Talon was able to fall asleep at his regular bedtime.
Today's rage began just as the morning service at church was ending. We visited my mom & dad's church for the Easter holiday and actually had minimal problems during the service. We had a wonderful prayer for Talon and I was just so thankful that we could make it through an entire service before Autism showed up. But there at the end, sure enough, there he was, and he was ready to fight. I cry as I share this with others because its heart wrenching to see your baby have to deal with something he has no clue how to deal with and reliving it never gets easier. As Talon spiraled out of control, it was as if time moved in slow motion. We were in this bubble and everyone around us was leaving and laughing and going about their way, but here we were stuck in this battle... again... mommy against Autism. We eventually made it home and close to 55 minutes later the rage was ending. This one revealed only a few red marks to Talon, which may or may not bruise, and back and stomach pain to mommy. I wish I could say mommy defeated Autism this time but that would be untrue, however, Autism definitely did not defeat THIS mommy THIS time or any other time its shown its ugly face. I can only describe it as a war with constant battles that come and go, but soon enough he has to go for good, and we wont give up until we fight Autism away!!
I hope my blog doesn't create bad insight as to what Autism is about. I only want to share EVERY moment, GOOD, BAD, OR UGLY to help others understand and perhaps let those who experience similar matters to know they are NEVER alone. I love my son more than words could ever describe. He has brought me more joy and happiness through his smile and laughter than I would have ever thought possible. He loves with a love that is REAL and TRUE. When he hugs you and kisses you, its never fake or thoughtless. He loves his life and he's happy and smart and beautiful. Together people can make a difference and together we can and WILL see Autism defeated!!
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